Hugh Jass’s Big PreDICKtions for 2019 (Brace yourself because this year we went Bat shit crazy while ranking the REBL GM’s!)
You think REBL City is a peaceful city!? Ho, Ho, Ho! Well, put your gum under your seat, hold your breath and get ready to hiss its diabolical dunderheads. POW! ZAP! ZOWIE! The rankings are here and they’re about to get clobbered!
Old Timey Asshats GM, Raji al Ghul (aka Commissioner Juan N. Gordun): Let’s get things straight, I think this team will be on the hotline all year long just begging to escape the low end dumping grounds, but right when you count Raji out he must soak his decaying carcass in the Lazarus Pits or something. It’s like that midget porn you’re old lady keeps finding in your VHS collection. You told her you threw it away, but it just keeps showing up there again. It’s so weird. Sorry honey buns, I dunno how it gets there either. (5th Place)…Sometimes you just can’t rid of an Asshat bomb.
One Shirt StInc. GM, Chokecalski (aka The Choker, the Prince of Poppycock): Do not be deceived by the grin, for behold, the REBL’s clown prince of slime finally has a team that’s not a complete joke. Yeah I know that’s like admitting you think Rocky V is the best Rocky or that you stand when you wipe your ass, but there you go, it’s wrong as hell, but it is what it is. (3rd Place)…I’m already having buyer’s remorse. This is the Choker we’re talking about here! And besides, I just noticed that for every decent player he’s got there are two bad ones. By my count that’s one in the pink and two in the StInc. Aww Hell! Well it’s too late to change the rankings now. Let’s just chalk this one up to being just one big, fat choke.
Whiggles GM, Hot Shot (aka Henguin): This birdbrain has foiled Shirts’ championship plans one too many times. Think of the time they met in the semi’s when he had Shirts’ pitcher taken out in the 1st inning on the last day of play with a fowl ball to the skull to end Shirts’ sure thing. Fowl ball? Really!? How droll Hengie. What else would you expect from a WHiG though? Their kind is a low neighborhood, full of rumpots who are used to curious sights attributed to alcoholic delusions, such as being fantasy masterminds. And look at the henchmen he’s surrounded himself with this time. (Insert Henguin laugh, “Quack, Quack, Quack!) If they say laughter’s the best medicine then this Hot Shot is my penicillin. (9th Place)…Whenever the Hen gets chucked in the loser’s pen, I chortle with joy, “Oh, fabulous day! Callooh, callay!”
#FRUITPoo GM, Neil-E-Bear (aka Queen of the Cocksacks): You think there wasn’t a Queen of the Cocksacks? Holy Scrot-ie Batman! There was! You see there was this former Russian dishwaher gal turned Queen who wanted to turn Batman and Robin into borscht for her wedding meal and then she went and stole some radium to reawaken a dinosaur so she could…ok, fuck it. Hold it right there. It’s true alright, but I can’t wrap my god-damn brain around it either. I’m having an even harder time wrapping my brain around this–our Queen of the Cocksacks, 2-Time Poo Award winner Neil-E-Bear, is about to go from Poo key chain washer to Super 6 finisher! He has just enough cocksacks like Moochado to go balls deep for a real playoff run. (2nd Place)…You can pick your jaw up off the floor now. If you listen closely you can hear Neil say to his fellow cocksacks, “Let’s eat borscht!”…psst, odds are you’re the borscht in this scenario.
The Best J2S (aka Cock King): Two cocks in a row? What, is that too much cock for you!? Sorry, not sorry. Neither is my unabashed luv for Shirts. He ain’t going off half-cocked this year either: Yu the Man Darvish, Sexy Strasy, Vlad the Destroyer! Hot damn! His utility belt is chalk full of weapons! (Vial of Chokecalski repellent included in all J2S figurines.) So if you wanna know what time it is, just look at the Cock, it’s high time the King gets his ring. (1st Place)…just don’t ask him where he’s gonna put it.
Fun Bobby (aka Aunt Harrirut, The Irish Lass): Landsakes! Don’t be fooled by this team. Sure, it resembles some old broad rockin’ away in a comfy chair, but Harrirut could really bring it when she needed to: “Study your Greek Dick.”, “Time for your piano lessons Dick.”, “Just where does Bruce and Dick go all the time?”…hold on, that’s describing a pushover who hasn’t figured it out yet. Bingo! (7th Place)…I have faith our old bag will get it one day, but I also think cock jokes are the be-all end-all in humor too, so take that for what it’s worth.
Polar Kotex GM, Rusty the Horse from Seinfeld (aka Mr. Please): “Please mister, please, could you spare me a win, if not you might as well alert my next of kin.” Was that an Olivia Newton-John song? I think it was, but I wouldn’t blame Rusty if he starts singing it too. The REBL Low End Dumping Grounds is a barren, frozen hellscape that he just can’t seem to scramble out of. I swear to God he enjoys it though. In fact here’s a recording of Rusty just moments after the draft, “I’m so kean-o, on Beef-A-Reeno, what a delicious cuisine-o. Yeah, 34 more cans to go!” Sound like a guy who’s disappointed to you!? Well it won’t be long until he is, because we’ll all be taking Rusty out for a ride again soon…wait, do you smell that? What is that? Is that his team or the Beef-A-Reeno!? Please Mr. Please, turn that cart around, I can’t breathe over here! (10th Place)…I hope to God Rusty gets another whiff of the playoffs before he does something rash.
Taint Samples GM, Door Matt (aka Matwoman): Someone has to be the biggest pussy, so why not this guy? C’mon, are you kitten me Cullen!? Even Sexy Strasy wouldn’t go on vacation during the draft. Didn’t think my jokes could get any lower? Ha! Gotha! I just dropped a cat pun on ya. Whatever, it’s still way better than the cat poo this cool cat just dropped on the REBL. (12th Place)…Here’s a sneak peek at Anchorman Matt Burgundy’s season:
Hugh Jass: You make a fool of me and everyone here. You put that cat poop in your mouth.
Matt: I will not eat cat poop!
Hugh: You will do it immediately!
Hugh: You will!
Matt: Fine, I’ll try to eat one…
Hugh: Get in there.
Matt: (wailing)…I’ll eat the entire hunk of shit, I don’t care.
#Good GM, Cotton Candy Andy (aka Eggdead): Here’s one of the rottenest eggs of ‘em all. We supported him last year with “I BELIEVE IN #GOoD” bumper stickers, and what did Eggie baby do!? Stab Shirts in the back with a healthy plate of unsubstantiated collusion. Holy Eggs Benedict Arnold! It took an entire 5-year plan for this self-professed knows-it-all to hatch this “grand scheme”!? So how long will it take for him to reach the pinnacle again? If you think it’s gonna be anytime in the next 5 decades the yolks on you. (6th Place)…And if he thinks he can do it with the likes Peevetta and Peeneda he’s cracked! (Sorry I can’t go on with these puns anymore, I’m so fried.)
Phony Fef (aka Shamdell): Is it true!? Fef once somehow managed a virtuoso performance on the grandest of stages by taking the crown in the REBL? It just makes me sick, but damnit to hell, yes! Virtuso however? Please, this is Phony Fef we’re talking about, the only “champ” to not break 300 points in the title game. Ok, that’s not a fraud, but a sham? You bet your sweet bippy. And if you think he’ll ever pull it off again you’ve flipped your keyboard. Ask Otis Day and the Knights what they think about this fink. They’ll tell ya he’s the Sham-a Lama Ding Dong of the REBL. Fef, you fiiiend (Shamdell pronunciation required) you’ve just been exposed! Hope you enjoy being outed in the s-society pages (Shamdell pronunciation required again…I think I’m just amusing myself now)…(11th Place)…Farewell Shamdell, I cast off your charlatan skin like a molten butterfly.
Dill City Dildos’ GM, Andrew Culver (King Putz): Culver was once an eminent GM, but then was struck on the head during a WHiG riot and awoke with the strange double delusion that he himself was the pharaoh known to history as King Putz. When was he ever an eminent GM!? Shh…just go with it, you’ll ruin the story…Anyway, just look at his team. Like King Putz himself, it’s completely schizo. Those bats are loaded, but those pitchers’ arms look weaker than that Kyle dude’s from the movie Road Trip. (9th Place)…Wait, now that I think of it Kyle did bag a 250 lb. cheetah in that movie, so he should be ranked higher right? (7th Place)…Wait again, that was a 250 lb. woman with a pair of leopard printed undies wasn’t it? It was. Shit, let’s cut the difference. (8th Place)…Did that make any sense? Seriously, who gives a rat’s ass.
Strange Brew Crew GM, Hubba Bubba (aka The Diddler): When Hubba Bubba yanks his slots which Diddler springs out, the Frank Gorshin money shot or the John Astin puddy duddy? No one really knows when Hub Bub gets to rubbing the dice. Wait, you don’t know your Gorshin from your Astin? Well, why the hell are you even here then!? No worries, because I’m here to dish on Hub Bub’s destiny anyway. First, diddle me this: I start hard and end soft. In between you blow me hard. What am I? Answer: Hubba Bubba…get it? It’s gum too. (Insert maniacal Diddler laugh.) In other words here’s this year’s result for Hubba Bubba. (4th Place)…He starts Viva Las Vegas, but ends Viva Loss Wages.
By the way, Gorshin was cool as hell and Hubba Bubba has gone Gorshin more than anybody since the REBL’s inception. From 2-19 to 2-time champ, Hubba Bubba epitomizes the fast n’ loose fantasy life we all dream about. Damn I luv me some Hubba Bubba! The dude pops my bubble!